The learning about grace from God starts now in my own words.....

Grace: 1 Beauty or charm of form movement or expression 2 goodwill; favor 3 a delay granted for payment of an obligation 4 a short prayer of thanks for a meal 5 a title of an arch-bishop, duke or duchess 6 the love and favor of God towards man
Webster New World Dictionary and Thesaurus Copyright 1996

What is grace? Well I think above explains that for you. Let me tell you what God has given me grace and I will give a good and real explanation at the end part of this blog.

I was born like any other child but my life was not like a "normal" child (I put those there because I believe there is no such thing as normal). I grew up in the country. That is not abnormal for some but I was abused by my own Father, a uncle, two cousins, called fat by my one aunt, felt like a slave to another, teased at school by my whole class. I was also raised to be a catholic. I didn't believe. I would pray to God but felt so empty inside. Since I was ten years old I would binge eat. I think I grew up in a family of binge eaters. Everything was fried, boiled but with oil in the water, buttered and everything else that was bad for you. But in my senior year I started losing weight. Nothing wrong with that but I took it too far and it turned into anorexia.
I ate about 800 calories a day. I exercises about 1 or 2 hours a day. Study obsessively on my school work and dwindled down to a 109 pounds for a five foot six inch frame. I was sick.
My high school years I would beat my head in with my flute. No wonder it was out of tune. I would hold my breath until I almost passed out. That led to another addiction I will tell you later.
After high school I started working and gone to school. It never felt right doing that. I went in the mental hospital that same year. I wanted to hurt myself so bad. I told the doctor about my anxiety eating. He gave me a anti-anxiety med. The anorexia gave me a heart murmur. Then I started binging again.

Many years later after the binge eating I did bulimia. I would pig out then throw up. It was the sickest of the three eating disorders I have ever had. I wasn't losing weight but gaining it but I still did it anyway. The consequences of that was now I have horrible acid reflex disease.

I was in and out of the hospital for about four years (more times than I can count on my fingers and toes) and the next part will tell you why.
I tried to kill myself so many times. I would pray so many nights that God would take me now because I didn't want to take my own life. I rather God do that but at the time I didn't know where I would go. Heaven or Hell. I know now I would have gone to Hell but God kept me alive.
I started doing The Choking Game where you choke yourself until you pass out. You don't know if you will ever wake up but at that time I didn't care.
I started banging my head up against hard items and also my fist. One time I hit my fist in so many times it was bruised and swelled. Mom didn't take me to the hospital because I think she knew where I would go.
I started using drugs. When I was anorexic I started taking diet pills. I believe I was addicted. I took a overdose one night. God could have let me die but I am still here.

Then I started pain killers and muscle relaxers. I got extremely addicted to them. I overdoes about 6 times all togeather due to drug addiction and attemps to do suicide. I was taking them to mask my bipolar that is not under control. The diet pills I took to help me get out of my depression and the pain killers and muscle relaxers to calm me down from my manic states.

The last thing is I cut. I didn't cut my arms like other people do but I cut under my breast to hide it from my Mom. I did that out of stress of the money troubles. I look back at it. If it was later on when I believed God in the same situation I know God has a plan and he knows what he is doing.

All this time of hurting myself I was not only hurting God but also my Mother. I even told a cop no one cares then he said "what about your Mom" I said "she doesn't eather". That must have broke her heart. She didn't sleep every good during those times I was in the mental hospitals. It hurts my heart to know I did that for her and to God.

It says in 1 Chrinthian 3:16 "Do you know that you are God's temple and that God's spirit lives in you?" Hurting myself does hurt God just like another person who hurts themselves hurts God also. Even if they beileve in God or not.

I came to know God and I was Baptized on October 16, 2005. When I pray I don't feel empty anymore. I know what ever comes in life, good or bad, I know he has a plan.

Now you are asking what does that story have anything to do about grace? God could have taken me so many times but he had grace, a love for me, he kept me alive. He gave me so many chances to come to know and love him. I did come to know and love him as my Lord, my Father, my Abba, my God, my King. I confessed my sins and believed that Jesus did die on that cross for my sins and 3 days later rose again. I also believe in the trinity. The God head 3 in1 Father Spirit son.

I not only confessed my sins but I turned away from them. That doen't mean we don't ever sin again. Jesus was the only perfect one on earth! We sin but what we need to do is to try our hardest not to sin.

He gives us grace because he loves us so much. He even in the tribulation period in the furture puts judgements on earth for the hope people turn to him. Some people, like me, have to hit rock bottom before you find god.

He gives us all lots of chances to give us enough time to come to know him. He loves you no matter if you believe in him or not. It must hurt him that his own children don't believe.

If this moved you today to believe in God pray this prayer:

Dear God I believe in you. I believe that your son Jesus died on the cross for our sins and 3 days later rose again. I believe in the trinity. The 3 in 1. I beleive all of this, this day and for the rest of my life. In Jesus Name, AMEN!!

I leave you now with a bible verse from Romans 6:14 "For sin will not rule over you because you are not under law but under grace."

God Bless You All!!!